The Roast of The NFL

A quick thanks.

I started this newsletter 15 weeks ago now and I am so grateful for every one of you who have supported me and read these articles every week. Your kind words mean the world to me and have made writing for you all an absolute joy. I graduate college in three days time and working on these articles this past semester has been such an incredible way to share my love for football with all of you.

That being said, heading into the summer (aka my offseason), I’ll be putting out fewer articles until football begins to start back up again. I’ll still release some articles over the summer, but not on a weekly basis. I’ll cover some interesting statistical concepts, fantasy football, and hopefully move towards video content as well, so make sure to keep an eye out for that.

Again, thank you all so much for going on this journey with me these past few months and without further ado, welcome to the Season 1 Finale of the NFL’s Darkest Timeline: The Roast of the NFL.

The Roast

With The Roast of Tom Brady premiering on Netflix just a few days ago, I figured there was no better way to send off season 1 than by writing a roast of my own. If you haven’t watched The Roast of Tom Brady already, I highly recommend checking it out when you have the time.

The formatting of this will obviously be different because I don’t have any actual people with me to roast, so this will essentially just be a collection of NFL jokes.

Roger Goodell and NFL team owners banned the hip drop tackle this offseason and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones only agreed with the motion because he thought Roger said they’re banning “hip hop.”

Chiefs Wide Receiver Rashee Rice was recently brought up on six counts of collision involving injury and fleeing the scene after he got into an accident driving his Lamborghini. It’s truly a testament to his ability to weave through traffic and keep moving after contact.

During the 2023 season, players once again lobbied for NFL ownership to move away from the use of turf due to repeated injuries. But the players seem to forget that it was “grass” that ended Josh Gordon’s career.

The Detroit Lions had a record-breaking season this year, reaching the NFC Championship game before blowing a 17-point halftime lead to the San Francisco 49ers. Making it the most infamous lead in the state of Michigan outside the city of Flint.

The Denver Broncos drafted Oregon quarterback Bo Nix with the 12th overall pick in the 2024 NFL Draft and have now employed more white guys straight out of college than a financial consulting firm.

Speaking of white broncos, OJ Simpson died this year. OJ can now finally rest, knowing his wife’s killer is dead. (Credit to @funnybrad on Twitter for this one.)

The Los Angeles Chargers, who released half their offense this past season, have let more bolts loose than a Boeing 737 Max.

The Carolina Panthers drafted Bryce Young this year with the first overall pick. With little offensive help, Young severely underperformed this year and had fewer successful passes than Rob Gronkowski taking a spelling test. Gronk thinks a snap infraction is a math problem.

The second overall pick, CJ Stroud, calls 5-foot-10-inch Bryce Young a close friend of his, but at that height, you could even call Bryce “a little Mahomey.”

One of the greatest defensive players of all time retired this offseason. So next season will be like a deflated Trump balloon. No Aaron Donald.

Taylor Swift was happy to celebrate Travis Kelce’s Super Bowl victory this past season but she says she hopes the Bears win the Super Bowl this year since they just signed her brother D'Andre.

At the risk of potential employers reading this article, many jokes unfortunately did not make the final cut. I do hope you enjoyed these, though.

Thanks for navigating the NFL’s Darkest Timeline with me. If you enjoyed this read, share it with a human being who you think would appreciate it too.

Until next time,

Michael

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